Is it okay to engage in pegging in a marriage?

Those of you lot who get our weekly newsletters know that I've been dragging my feet while writing this for the last week.  Those in our private Facebook group know it'southward been even longer – and my wife knows it's been quite a long fourth dimension coming.

For some time, I've been getting more and more questions about pegging.  Way back in 2014, for those who weren't following united states yet, I posted the results of our survey on Christians, Anal Sex and Anal Play.  From that survey, nosotros found out that 8% of husbands were engaging in pegging or similar activities in their sex life.  I call back that number has gone upward over the last iv years, and it'southward gotten to the point that I figured I should address it.  Plus, I received this question a couple of weeks ago:

Yous guys have helped us immensely and then far through the articles and podcasts. My married woman and I accept been married for a little over a year at present. In that time, I accept had many conversations about our sex lives and we have found out that I take a college sex activity drive than she does and I am more audacious when it comes to trying new things as long as they are not sinful and nosotros are both on the same page about it. I have recently had an interest in anal play meaning I am receiving anal pleasure . I have been interested to endeavour "pegging" with my wife (which is the act of anal penetration of the human being with a toy like a dildo or strap-on of some kind), simply am afraid for many different reasons. Beingness a heterosexual male person brings the stigma of it being a "gay matter" and although I know that I may enjoy information technology and become more intimate with my wife, I certainly do non want to want a sinful human action. I want to be sure of where this stands biblically if in the confines of a Christian spousal relationship. This does not mean that there is a sort of pretending of gender role reversal, but the physical pleasure associated with the prostate and new emotional connectedness. I promise I'm not beingness also explicit, but I demand your help in this area because I aspire to a fulfilling sex life AND spiritual life. Is "pegging" sinful? What would be the wisest way to limited my want to my wife?

So, there a few questions in there, but the biggest i is "is pegging sinful".  So, let'south tackle that and then move on to the rest.

Is pegging sinful?

Now, I'm non terribly interested in re-hashing the "Is anal sex sinful" argument.  We've already done that in the post Is anal sex a sin.  If yous desire to argue with me, you tin can do so there, but for the purpose of this mail, permit me recapitulate my prior assertion that I don't believe information technology is wrong to engage in anal sex in your married sexual activity life, provided it'south with your spouse.

However "regular" anal sexual practice is generally thought of every bit the husband penetrating the wife.  While some accept issues with that (as seen in the comments of the post linked above), many are generally accepting of it.  In fact, 27% (back in 2014) of respondents in our survey said they'd tried anal sex.

When the tables are turned, that brings in some new questions.  Now the man is existence penetrated, and that shifts things a scrap.  Aside from the generic "is anal sex a sin" question, at present nosotros have to contend also with gender roles, and questions virtually homosexual practices, which our questioner mentioned.  So, let's accept a wait at those.

What you exercise doesn't define your orientation

We have believed a fallacy in our culture that sexual activities make up one's mind your orientation.  Some call back that if a homo wants to have anal sexual activity with his wife, then he must be homosexual, or at least bisexual.  Same goes for if he wants to receive whatsoever sort of anal stimulation himself.

However, it's non what you lot do in your sex life that defines your orientation.  It's who you lot practice it with.  One only cannot call whatever activeness betwixt a husband and wife a homosexual act, because it is, past definition, a heterosexual act between a male and a female.

And that seems like a fairly simple concept; yet, in our society, we still have these odd beliefs that doing something, even in your marriage bed, means you are homosexual.

Here is a comment from our survey dorsum in 2014:

It is likewise my goal to have my married woman perform a prostate massage on me. I know that she all the same has a mental cake nearly touching me there with her finger. I believe that she nevertheless views it as "weird" that I would bask that activity and that information technology make me "gay." I hope that other women that read this would stop to thank that just because their man tin relish stimulation in that expanse does not mean that they have any homosexual tendencies. I would like my spouse to know that it can be fun and awakening to share 100% of each other. I would hate to know that something that we tin can enjoy together was lost by years of stubborn thoughts that have been sculpted by ignorant idea processes.

And another:

She still uses a vibrator on me sometimes. I'm sorry, I know this is weird for a guy to read. Your website allows me to talk openly. I'thousand not gay btw. No way no thanks. My wife is all I need!

It's and so ingrained in our thoughts that he felt he had to basically call "no homo" subsequently sharing what his married woman and he do in their sexual activity life.

And others only tin can't go over the idea:

The reason I didn't respond the question about doing things anally toy husband is because he absolutely hates the thought of being touched in that area. It's gay for a man to want that to that.

And so, does engaging in pegging, or whatsoever other sort of receptive anal play for a human being mean he has homosexual tendencies?  I recall that's an piece of cake no.

Does pegging cantankerous gender roles

This i I think is a bit stickier.  It'due south not talked most too often, but the Bible is pretty firm on the idea that God fabricated men and women carve up and singled-out genders.  This idea is under assault in our guild with the concepts of transgender, pan-gender and gender fluidity.

In the Bible, God is always presented as a male husband and the church building ever as a female bride.  While it may not be politically correct in our club to say it anymore, only the Bible sets men as leaders and women as supporters equally a living example of God leading His church building.

Unfortunately, this has been abused in the by with the church setting men up to be dictators in the home rather than the relationship that'southward seen betwixt God and His people in the Bible.  I personally see a God who is willing to talk over, compromise (while nevertheless holding to His integrity), reason with, love and sacrifice for His bride.  That doesn't hateful He's a pushover though.  God is very clear on His goals and directions and will not compromise on Love, even when we think He's being unloving.

This concept is under attack in our churches with the egalitarian motility, and exterior of our churches with the gender-fluid move.  To me, they're ii sides of the same money.  One attacking from inside and one from without.  They're both seeking to undermine the human relationship betwixt God and humans – disruptive us virtually who is in charge.  I think we frequently tend to accept this verse:

Any y'all ask of the Male parent in my name He will give information technology to yous.

Matthew eighteen:23b

and we alter it into:

Whatever you ask of the Father he will requite it to you.

We put God into a submissive office rather than accepting nosotros need to submit first.

That was a flake of a tangent, past my point is, gender roles are important because they teach us about God, if nothing else.  But what does this accept to do with pegging?

There is a business that some might exist interested in pegging because they want to have the gender roles reversed.  That wanting to receive pleasance in this way, being penetrated ways they are abandoning their role as males and wanting to take on a female person part.  That's probably true for some.  Nevertheless, I think that'due south a pretty pocket-sized percent of men.  At least, it'south a small percentage that is using this behaviour to forsake their function.

I think the majority of men are abdicating in other ways, which is a serious business, merely not through the human action of pegging.

Bespeak is, if you lot are a man approaching pegging with the thought of "I want to feel like a woman", then I think that'southward a alarm sign.  Likewise, if you're a married woman who wants to try pegging because you desire to knock him down a peg (no pun intended), put him in his place, or show him who is the dominate, or "be the man" in some way, then that's a similar cause for concern in my books.

And we're not talking well-nigh a curiosity of what information technology might exist like to be the other gender.  I recollect most of usa wonder nearly that at one time or another.  I know I exercise – my wife's orgasms look like they feel so much better than mine! That's quite intriguing.  Rather, nosotros're talking near wanting to take on that gender equally a lifestyle choice.  That's where nosotros get into trouble in my books.

Why do some men desire to attempt pegging?

So, if men who want to try pegging in their married sex life aren't doing it due to homosexual tendencies, nor considering they're gender-fluid or gender-confused, then why would they desire to endeavor this?  Well, I think there could be a few reasons.

Pleasure

I'yard not exactly sure what God was thinking, simply He placed a ton of nerve endings in the region of our anus.  There are many between the scrotum and the anus, more around the edge of it, and the prostate can be stimulated to engage even more pleasurable sensations, and even orgasm.  And I'g not proverb that "if information technology feels adept, God must have meant for us to practice it".  It's non just men, women accept a similar distribution of nerve endings and sensitivities.  No prostate of class, but the clitoris fretfulness wrap internally around the anus, which once more, seems like an odd design option.  Just that'due south neither here nor there today because we're talking about men.

In short, there are a lot of nerves in that surface area that tin can feel pleasure.  In fact, even if y'all've lost your penis entirely, or just the apply of it, some people tin yet have an orgasm through prostate stimulation.  This makes information technology a potential method of sexual pleasance for those who have been in accidents, suffered some course of paralysis, or just accept ED they can't seem to correct.

Even without those ailments though, some men say that the orgasms they get from prostate stimulation are far more intense than through penile stimulation.  Then, information technology's no surprise that some might exist interested in that sort of pleasure.

Beingness on the receiving end

Is it okay to engage in pegging in a marriage?

This one tin can get a bit confusing for some.  I recollect in that location is a difference between wanting to swap gender roles and wanting to be the 1 receiving pleasance.  The 1 has to practise with identity, and the other has to do with physical and emotional sensations.

I think most men (I know high-drive wives, not all men) find the idea of their wife taking a more than active role in sexual activity to be appealing.

For some men, the idea of their wife taking such an active office in sex to the point that they are doing the penetrating is extremely arousing.  Think most it.  Y'all don't accept to worry about:

  • keeping an erection upwardly
  • if your married woman is going to orgasm from sexual activity
  • your operation
  • your endurance

You go to be the one who just receives pleasure.  I tin can sympathize how that could be attractive.

I know, some men can get this from their wife being on top and "doing the work" during regular intercourse, only not all men tin can orgasm from that.  Not all men can proceed an erection up like that either.  For that thing, non all women can manage it for long, if at all, either.  As well, it's not quite the aforementioned.

Variety / adventure

Lastly, we tend to crave variety in sex.  Couples that just tend to take missionary position sex with the same foreplay on the same nights of the week at the same fourth dimension, year in and year out, tend to get bored.  Passion dies, and it tends to become something that just releases sexual frustration rather than existence a bonding feel.

I used to become so many couples asking virtually how to spice upward their sex life.  Both spouses would be willing to try something new, but just didn't know what.  They didn't know how to exit of their ruts of doing the same thing over and over again.  So, I made up the Spice Jar to solve the problem for them.  And now I don't get many of those questions any more.  It'due south crawly, because now I tin can respond to new questions, like about pegging…

Point is, nosotros crave variety in our lives, including our sex lives, and some people just like pegging considering it's different, exciting and/or taboo.  That gets our dopamine levels rising, which leads to increased arousal and stronger orgasms.  Who doesn't want that?

What's in it for the wife?

I know someone is going to ask "yes, but what about the wife?"  With regular intercourse, both spouses (ideally) are getting pleasure.  Even with "regular" anal sex activity, 85% of the wives who appoint in anal sex say they enjoy it and 38% of orgasm from it.  That'due south pretty impressive given that statistically only about 30% of women orgasm from penis-in-vagina sex.

Just with pegging, she's non using any of her anatomy that gives her pleasure.  There's no live penis involved.  So, what'southward the deal?

Well, we have no personal experience with this, so I delved into my survey comments.  Now, I don't accept a way to single out pegging, only I tin find comments from wives who utilise toys on their husband's anally.  Here'due south what I establish:

  • I feel similar it makes my husband happy so I use a toy to penetrate.
  • My husband brought it upwards, and I was curious to try it.
  • To explore all avenues of potential pleasure.
  • We wanted to endeavor new things
  • I don't totally relish doing it to him but I dear the results of how much he enjoys it and it definitely benefits me with how much of an erection he gets.
  • Saw that my hubby enjoyed that and he asked for it to happen. His orgasm is pretty intense during anal play.
  • Only by trying new things
  • Bored with vaginal

In brusk, many do it either considering their husband asks and they're willing to anoint them in that way, or because they actually enjoy seeing their husband receive pleasure.  I think that'south awesome.  As I suspected, some only wanted to attempt something new, though I honestly don't think I could go "bored with vaginal".

Of course, there are other options as well.  For example: If you're using a strapon, there's no reason you couldn't utilize a We-Vibe Sync on the wife at the same fourth dimension which would give her both 1000-spot and clitoral stimulation.

Are there any dangers?

I figured we should bear upon this.  Are there dangers to pegging?  There are often listed reasons why anal sex is a bad thought.  Some are more or less valid than others.  I went through this in my mail service on anal sex, but nosotros'll touch on them here only and so no one says I didn't.  I'1000 non a doctor, so do your own research, use your own brain, etc, etc..  But here are my thoughts:

Some say the vagina was made to stretch simply the anus wasn't.  Everyone knows that'due south not really true right?  I mean, you can tell that just from going to the bath.  In a sexual situation this is fifty-fifty easily told.  When going to the bathroom, frankly we tend to exist in a hurry.  With sexual practice, the key word is patience.  The second key discussion is lube.  You'll find information technology stretches quite a bit and snaps back easily.  Accept your fourth dimension, utilise lots of lube, and if information technology hurts, cease.

Practice some porn stars become stretched out and damaged?  Yes.  Don't accept anal sex activity for 12 hours a 24-hour interval with guys hung like porn stars and you'll probably be okay.

While nosotros don't similar to recall almost information technology, homosexual men take been engaging in action similar to this for a long time.  If the warnings were true, well, the price of developed diapers in certain cities would skyrocket and there'd exist a run on proctologists.  Information technology doesn't happen.  There'south but a lot of anti-gay propaganda that this is getting spillover from.

At that place is the issue of cleanliness and bacteria.  Fact is, if you're doing anal play, feces happen (you lot know what I wanted to write, right?  But we take some sensitive people and I didn't desire to go into a whole paragraph explaining that my dad grew upwardly on a farm and "that" was a task you did before breakfast, not a swear word).

By and large when yous're engaging in anal play of any kind, y'all are sticking to the rectum, and feces generally don't hang out in that location.  They stay higher up in your digestive tract.  So long equally you don't feel similar you have to go to the bath, and you haven't gone very recently, you're probably fairly clean.  Nonetheless, a shower would do, also.

And of grade, one always has to be careful to avoid getting bacteria from the anus into a vagina.  This is less of a concern with pegging, but even so something to exist aware of.

What else? …

Don't use numbing lube.  Same goes for booze or drugs.  Stop if it hurts.  Take it slow.  Especially because toys tend to be harder and more than rigid than penises.  Oh, and don't buy a toy with phthalates (more info here), and exist sensible about the size.

Basically, it's the same rules you lot use for "regular" sex.  If you're besides rough, don't take sufficient lubricant and don't pay attention to your trunk or your spouse's, someone is going to get hurt.

How do you express a desire to effort this with your wife?

Let'due south say you're interested in pegging.  Hypothetically of course 😉  How do y'all share this with your wife?  Or if you're a wife, with your hubby?

Well, we just did a post on sharing sexual fantasies that you can bank check out.  Now, that had more than to practice with the person listening than information technology did the person sharing.  But, you lot could share that post with your spouse and so share the fantasy in one case they've been primed on how to respond accordingly.

Another alternative along the same lines is to check Our Sexploration List.  Information technology's a workbook of sexual activities spouses tin can do with/to each other.  Buried in this massive listing is pegging.  If you desire to see how they'd respond without asking, then go the listing and have you both fill it out.  They'll either bespeak that they're interested, willing, or not and you lot can decide how to keep from at that place.  In fact, I'll requite y'all 25% off it but for being brave.  Just use the coupon code PEGGING.And don't you dare use that coupon code if yous aren't interested in pegging! 😉

Is pegging within union sinful?

I don't retrieve and so.  If both spouses are upwards for it and y'all accept the necessary precautions, and with the few caveats mentioned in a higher place, this seems to be something both can enjoy every bit a way to enhance their marriage bed.  Of course, if you're not interested or feel morally opposed to it, and then only opt out.

I'm hoping we tin accept a ceremonious discussion about this below, simply based on past feel, I'1000 worried it won't exist and then.  I'd love to exist proven incorrect though 🙂